((You should probably know that this is from my journal and has a bajillion english errors and I am too lazy to go about revising so it's staying how it is. Mmmmk?))
Well…today... I think
there is a God. I mean, every time I get asked that question I say I do. I
think back to that one night I was suffering with that massive emotional chest
pain and how I prayed and was instantly better and then sometimes I think to myself: what was
that? If that was not a higher being, a God or something of the like, then what
was it?
So let’s assume there is a God – we’ll give him the benefit of the
doubt – (and I was about to go into the Joseph Smith route but because of my
lack of research we’re going to refrain) so, God... it’s taught that everyone is
going to have the chance to listen to the true gospel and either reject it or
accept it. Okay – so if we get to the after life and hear this great true stuff
who would be idiot enough to not accept it? I mean, you’re looking at two options: not
getting into the celestial kingdom which is supposed to be all that or this lesser option. "Hmmm... well either live with God in this great place with eternity and joy and awesomeness that everyone was telling me about on earth or something else?"
But really - what kind of God would send us to the earth and tell us ‘Good luck! Choose the right gospel!' And then let people choose something that they think is
true and following it as best they can and then when they die he says “Sorry,
you were an Episcopalian not a Mormon and so you can’t come to the Celestial
kingdom.” "Sorry, you didn't find my one and only true church out of an earth of 7 billion people and 196,900,000 sq miles, so you get to go to the lesser kingdoms. Too bad, so sad, maybe... well there is no next time."
What about all those people who were born into the church, raised,
and taught and eventually leave because they believe it really isn’t true. Is
he really going to tell me that I can’t live with him because I chose to leave
a religion based off of what I felt to be right?
How I see it: if there is a god and he’s up there and hoping we come back to him, wouldn’t he accept any person that is trying their best to live life and be a good person? What about all those people out there who don’t have time to think about being a good person because they are too stressed trying to figure out how to survive the next day? How can God base his decision of who gets in, on whether or not some man with priesthood keys' baptises you and has you commit to some eternal covenants? I get that they don’t teach that in church, that God is going to accept all those good and faithful people –
But apparently not going to church means you're not a good person (example A: "He goes to church and everything" Oh so you're saying he's good because he goes to church? Cool, good to know I'm evil) By not going to church anymore would that be considered refusing the Holy Ghost (which is the worst sin of all)? By learning all these principles and things and by not strictly following them, what is that? Does that automatically count me out? Especially since I should have “known better”?
I don’t care for those arguments about evolution versus
creationism because frankly, I don’t think it matters (it can go three ways: it
was strictly evolutionism, strictly creationism, or God used evolutionism to
create humans. Any which way you choose we're here and we're kickin' and can't really prove either one.). I don’t care about errors in the bible or BOM where the switch
up the names or the fact it's been changed (it's a damn book for crying out loud, what really matters is who the author was not the editor). I honestly don’t care if every member in this church
is perfect or not (because quite frankly, their not and EVERYONE should
remember that from time to time - for better and worse).
What I am interested in is being a human being. I am interested in having a good life, in having experiences, having goals, growing, progressing, being joyful, depressed, excited, hardworking. I am interested in living. Not worrying, fretting, or fighting myself or being told that I am not good enough and will not be good enough until I fit this ideal pattern. They preach acceptance, tolerance, and love then turn around and tell me that I need forgiveness for things I don’t even think should qualify as sin. And that is not just the LDS church.
I’m not in favor of killing people. I don’t fantasize about
making other people suffer. I desire equality and fair treatment, hard work
being rewarded and justice for violating laws. I am all about following your
heart and doing what you feel is right. Am I forever damned if I feel that
following a religious structure is frustrating, contradicting, and exhausting?
Would God really shun me for doing my own thing?
Another thing that is driving me crazy is the inequality among men and women I see within God's True Religion. I know what everyone is going to say and I actually can agree with them on most things, but try this: go to a ward meeting and switch all the genders in your head then observe the results. All the men sitting on the stand, all the men passing sacrament, blessing the babies, presiding and such, make them all woman. I mean, they sit there and tell me that motherhood is equally as important as priesthood and honestly, I can believe that. I believe in the fact that men and women are inherently different and that by coming together they make something whole - however, what is wrong with putting a women in a stronger leadership position within a ward? Does a ward clerk really have to have the priesthood? Is a women less capable of receiving divine revelation than a man with the priesthood? And if so, why is that? Why does it have to be that way? Why can't my future daughter have a strong female leader to look up to in the church that is more than just the primary or RS president? This only tells me that my worth in the church is based off of the man that stands beside me or the babies in arms. And maybe that is partly due to the culture of the religion but at the same time, the fact that this is a doctrinal or rather a practiced thing within the church doesn't help this ideal.
Why would God condone this kind of thing? Is God a misogynist? I suppose it has been happening since the dawn of human civilization so maybe he is. There isn't any talk about a Heavenly Mother, and tell me - how many women are mentioned in the scriptures in comparison? What does it say about them?
Let's bring it back before I have a conniption.
Another thing that is driving me crazy is the inequality among men and women I see within God's True Religion. I know what everyone is going to say and I actually can agree with them on most things, but try this: go to a ward meeting and switch all the genders in your head then observe the results. All the men sitting on the stand, all the men passing sacrament, blessing the babies, presiding and such, make them all woman. I mean, they sit there and tell me that motherhood is equally as important as priesthood and honestly, I can believe that. I believe in the fact that men and women are inherently different and that by coming together they make something whole - however, what is wrong with putting a women in a stronger leadership position within a ward? Does a ward clerk really have to have the priesthood? Is a women less capable of receiving divine revelation than a man with the priesthood? And if so, why is that? Why does it have to be that way? Why can't my future daughter have a strong female leader to look up to in the church that is more than just the primary or RS president? This only tells me that my worth in the church is based off of the man that stands beside me or the babies in arms. And maybe that is partly due to the culture of the religion but at the same time, the fact that this is a doctrinal or rather a practiced thing within the church doesn't help this ideal.
Why would God condone this kind of thing? Is God a misogynist? I suppose it has been happening since the dawn of human civilization so maybe he is. There isn't any talk about a Heavenly Mother, and tell me - how many women are mentioned in the scriptures in comparison? What does it say about them?
Let's bring it back before I have a conniption.
If God is there, if he's truly wanting me to come back and find the truth and be a faithful person and go through all these rituals and ceremonies then why isn't he helping me? I recently talked with some missionaries who brought up the fact that God will communicate with each of his children in a different way, a way that is specific for them so that they can understand. So does that mean that if he was communicating with me I would know with a surety? I've felt things before that people would identify as the spirit, that I have identified to be the spirit but I never know what it means. I just sit there and speculate and guess which leaves room for error and frustration and confusion.
The other thing that set me off was the fact that these missionaries asked me if I was praying sincerely and searching diligently for an answer or response from God. Oh no, I'm not trying at all actually. I'm just meeting with you for kicks and giggles.
I am tired. Do you think I like being in this place? Do you think I enjoy sitting in the dark? It would be so much easier to just go back. Which I am so tempted to do - smile and pretend this is everything my heart desires. It would also be so much easier to just say it's all a load of crap and quit worrying about it.
Dear God, wherever you are,
I am exhausted from of all of this.
Don't hate me for giving up.
Any thoughts for me audience? If there was ever a time to speak up, now would be the time.
Any thoughts for me audience? If there was ever a time to speak up, now would be the time.
Oh, Macy!
ReplyDeleteGod will not reject any of His children unless he rejects them. Everyone will be given the opportunity to accept or reject the fullness of the Gospel. And there will be those who reject the Celestial Kingdom. A good analogy that I once heard was that if you're in a bathing suit, you won't be comfortable in a room of white robes. White robes is the Celestial Kingdom, the bathing suit is one of the other two kingdoms. You pick where you're comfortable based on how you've lived your own life. The lesser kingdoms are no curse, they are a blessing. That those who choose to go to them will live forever in peace and comfort.
I agree whole heartedly with your dislike of the nitty-gritty that people get into (paragraph seven).
God would never shun you nor anyone like you. He does not rule His love based on qualifications, like a job interviewer or university would. He loves you because you are His child, you are *His* and He loves perfectly. And that goes with anyone. Any person roaming this earth (and any of the many others), the love is the same; perfect, whole, complete.
"Is a women less capable of receiving divine revelation than a man with the priesthood?" I can relate, I have asked a very similar question time and time again. Then I realized something, men need to prove themselves through actions. It was once explained to me that if you get women together, how do they bond? They talk. If you get men together, how do they bond? They have to go out and do something together. God sees this inherent difference in men and women and plays to the strengths. The men need the Priesthood because they bond with God by *doing* something with him. Women, we are naturally more spiritual and we can just pray--just talk--to God, and we feel and learn the same exact things the men need the Priesthood for. We need less, because we are naturally better.
"There isn't any talk about a Heavenly Mother" Think about it, how many people use God, Jesus Christ, and other sacred names as curse words or just throw them around in conversation willy-nilly. Why would a loving Father allow His wife's name to be used is such a manner as this? Everyone already throws around "Mary", Christ's earthly mother's name, as whatever they will. No. No. Our Heavenly Mother deserves so much more than that. But man is tempted and loses the way, and takes things that should be sacred and makes it everyday. Don't do that to her, your Heavenly Mother. But if we had been given a name or such, the Father knows man would have abused it. So, just take it away. Those who are spiritual enough and have enough knowledge and light will see, will know, she is.
ReplyDelete"So does that mean that if he was communicating with me I would know with a surety?" God will continually bless you and seek to help you, but he knows you perfectly. Are you really ready? If he were to give you more knowledge, more light, could you accept it completely? Even if that includes accepting the things you doubt? In His gospel, there is no room for doubt. You're either all-in, or you're not. Macy, if He were to really come to you and really speak to you, could you never look back? Early Church leaders couldn't even do that. There were many who fell away, after seeing angels! They left. Because, yes, Satan is just that strong. And God won't risk you having more light and knowledge just to see you reject it. That's why He killed off groups of people in the Old Testament, it is better that they should die than remain in their filthy state, because if they remained they would have more to hang their heads with at the judgment day. They would have more against them, and a loving God won't give what can't be handled. That's the hard truth, but really, it's a graceful truth.
I mean, you even said it. You're tempted to go back. The temptations won't lighten with more light, in fact, they'll just get more difficult. Much more. So prepare yourself, do what you can with what you have, then you will be given more.
If you want to give up now, you're only showing Him that it's not worth it. The fight for Eternal Salvation, the Celestial Kingdom, isn't worth your time, effort, or patience. No. You will not get more until that notion is obliterated.
I do not claim to be speaking of God, but this is what I can say with what light and knowledge I do have. This is my best. If there are any incorrect notions doctrine-wise, I apologize. Blame me for any offense, not Him.
I have to disagree with your assertion that there is no room for doubt in the Gospel. In my understanding, without that element of uncertainty there is no righteousness in choosing what is "good" nor can you exercise your faith in a meaningful way.
DeleteHere's my answer:
ReplyDeleteLife is what you make it. Whether God exists or not is not empirically provable, nor should it ever be testable. To make it the result of some scientific experiment is to remove the personal journey from which you gain so much. If you believe that God exists, then believe that he exists. If you don't believe that He exists, then live your life as such. In my opinion, if you're trying your best to be a good person then it doesn't matter if "God" is the God of the Mormons or Muslims. You're doing your best, and the rest is outside of your control.
As far as the people element, people are flawed. Even if you follow the prophets, God's chosen individuals, you find stories of mistakes and seemingly unethical behavior. For examples: Abraham lied about his sister, Isaac lied and stole the birthright of his brother, Moses killed a man and hid his crime, Jonah went against the call of the Lord, Peter denied Christ 3 times, Joseph Smith tried to sell the copyright to the Book of Mormon, and Brigham Young preached that Adam is God. So holding ourselves to the same standards that God holds his prophets leaves a lot of room for us to make mistakes.
If you're looking for the God that many religious people describe you'll probably have a hard time. If you're looking for a less defined God, you can find him in "the universe". Whether or not you find God really depends on how you define Him first.
I'm so glad that you're asking yourself these questions... To me, it's never been about doctrine. You're absolutely correct in that the millions of good people on the earth shouldn't be shunned for doing what they think is right - given, if there is anything to look forward to.
ReplyDeleteAll that matters is that you are happy with what you are doing. Easier said than done, of course. Do what you think is right, because if there is a god, surely that is his path for you.
...I might say something someone else has said. But I'll be honest—I really don't have the energy to read what they've written. haha...
ReplyDeleteUm.
I think your questions are legit.
I think that it can be a lonely, cold world, and I think that being tired is something we have every right to do sometimes.
I think that we're human and it's okay to break every now and then. It's okay to doubt. It's okay to wonder and wish and hope and hurt. We should never feel guilty for being human, and we should never feel guilty for having feelings. That's like.. feeling guilty for existing. The very definition of counterintuitive.
There are answers. They won't all come all at once. They don't have to. Because in a lot of ways, you're right. You're here to live life, whatever Truth happens to be. If you are honestly seeking it, you will most certainly and most satisfyingly find it. That others have found it doesn't obligate you to have found it along with them. This life is too personal a journey for that. It will be in precisely the time that you need it, and when it happens you'll be like, "oh.. I thought I needed it back then, but I had no idea.." And you'll be grateful it took so long. Which is weird, because it hurts to wait. And it hurts to wonder. And it totally sucks.
Steady as she goes. You'll be okay, and everything will be okay. I don't know how long that will be. It's stupid and I imagine it's aggravating to hear people say that sort of thing, but one thing's for sure—today is here and tomorrow isn't, yet. So don't worry about that. You've got here and now. Look around you and see the good, beautiful things, and be grateful for them. Because maybe you're already being helped more than you know.
And in any case, you've got friends to make it at least a little bit easier to deal with. :)