Thoughts on The Later

Do you ever think about what you're going to do when your children tell you they want to paint for the rest of their lives? I have. I'm going to tell them to do it.

I know I've talked a lot about this before but it's something I've struggled with for as long as I remember. I wanted to be an artist. I loved the way I felt when I was in that creative mode and could play with charcoal, acrylic, or pastel. I liked expressing those weird feelings I kept feeling through a picture or drawing some new made up character from a story I vowed to write who would secretly be me saving the world in some different dimension. But time and time again I was told I would never do well in that place. I could never support myself. I won't lie that I dream of living in relative comfort when I'm older so for a while I dreamed that maybe I could make it happen by marrying someone who would support me and we would be able to get by and I could thrive in my colorful alternate reality and take them with me. But as time went on I got in my head that I needed something that was fool proof, because in all honesty you can never bet on having that other person there. Eventually I even began to think I'd always be alone anyway.

So, I changed my mind and focused on the other strong passions of mine. Helping others, encouraging them, inspiring them, empowering them and I kept going back to Social Work so I started on that route but as time went by with those classes (although I loved every minute of it) I began to doubt my abilities to stay positive in such a constantly negative realm.
From there I was simply lost. I didn't want to go to school anymore and I juggled around all those other ideas. Owning my own little art gallery or dress shop or boutique. Becoming a flight attendant so I could travel around the world more easily. Take off for a year and travel. Forget about being a human being and end it all. It isn't a great place to be but luckily I wasn't there for long. I found distractions along the way, I began to find my voice again, I began to have different dreams.

Some days it is very clear what I would like to do and I honestly think I have ultimately decided. It's a list of accomplishments that I have laid out over time. It's very important for me to remind myself that I have time and that I really can accomplish all these things and more. It's also extremely important to remind myself that things change. They change a lot. They change when you least expect it. They simply change. So... I made a list to sort of create the picture:

- Bachelors degree in Interdisciplinary Studies (Management, Communications, and Sociology or as I like to call it the Leadership degree) ((This may also change to simply communications or Sociology pending on that one till the end of the summer))
- With this degree I hope to go into Student Affairs focusing on Leadership development. I'd like to work with student organizations or possibly in the On Campus housing realm that I already work for.
- I would also like to get my Women and Gender Studies Certificate and work in a that department somewhere.
- I am also planning on continuing my education in photography and doing my expressive work on issues that I feel strongly about (i.e. gender, religion, self identity, etc) mostly for myself but possibly for bigger vendors. This has always been a personal thing and I've come to realize that it doesn't need to be bigger than that. I'm not interested in studying other photographers, I'm just interested in my own creative outlet. I will have my own darkroom though. Just saying.
- For Graduate School, I'm thinking a student affairs/administration degree or possibly Social Work. If I do the Social Work Masters this will open me up to a whole new realm of possibilities like counseling. I'd also have reason to do a lot more with empowering people.
- Before or even while at Grad School I'd like to do something silly like become a bartender or become an EMT, backpack across europe, join the peace corps... I just think that would be fun.

So there you go. It's nice to put it down somewhere so that when I'm having a freak out moment (which I guarantee will probably happen relatively soon) I can recall that picture a little better.