A Few Thoughts During "One of Those Days"

I want to have a moment where there is nothing but truth. A light shining up from the middle of a tangled mess. Maybe not a light, maybe something to straighten it all out.

Someday, maybe someday, there will be something like that. I'll be able to just see it as it is. There won't be anymore lies or cover-ups. There won't be any confusion mixed in with life. It'll just be simple and peaceful. I can trust people. I can understand why better. Well... maybe I will. 

I keep wondering about religion and where I fit in it. I haven't been as comfortable with myself as I have been lately. I haven't felt as happy as I have been than when I'm not going there. When I'm following my own rules instead of being told I should be doing something else - that I am not good enough as I am or for not believing what is the truth. 

But I had an attack of sorts (I think it started last night). What if I'm doing it wrong? What if I am screwing my chances of being happy because I'm going against what's true? But I don't know what's true... If it's true than why doesn't truth sit right with me? 

Perhaps this all is being carried over from last night. I sat alone in my living room feeling like an idiot because of the things I tend to do, to want. I felt ashamed of myself. Today, on my way to a Catholic church, I felt it still - maybe not ashamed but questioning whatever confidence I had in myself. 

Am I okay as I am? This silly, sometimes rather lazy, pudgy, inconsiderate, hungry girl that I am. I'm doubting. I don't know. 

As a human being we categorize. We try and set up a criteria and put things in a little box. We like that order - it makes life easier, it helps us survive - but I wish to high heaven that it didn't have to exist in my head. It's good and bad in my head - that stupid black and white thinking that is supposed to be only for children or ignorant, idiotic people - and the good is supposed to be temples, husbands, babies, relief society and smiles. In the end they all want the Mormon girl. I don't want to be Mormon anymore. I don't like it. Mother once told me I'm just more bohemian than my perfect siblings. I don't think I ever liked it. Maybe I've always been bohemian?  

He'll probably end up with a Mormon girl. 

So, I got home from work this afternoon and noticed that my piercing is all infected. I'm a little freaked out because really... let's be honest, have you ever seen pictures of cauliflower ear? Ouch. Ew. Nasty. No thank you. On to soaking my ear for half an hour. 

Have you ever said something, mentally agreed with it, and then when something came down to test that belief, turns out that your emotions, your subconscious, whatever you want to call it doesn't agree with that original statement. 

You know, I keep saying 'I only want to be myself' and to most people I am pretty sure that wouldn't make any sense. Let me explain, I just want my subconscious and this outer-self to match - to be perfectly in sync. No conflict. Just me. 

Have you ever wanted to be in love? I mean really wanted to be in love? You look at the person sitting across from you and all you can do from keeping yourself from saying something really stupid is to kiss them. Then you have days where you can't stop thinking about kissing them and afterward you feel stupid and ashamed for being that ridiculous because they're the ones keeping you in line. No one has done that before. The look on his face...

What the hell am I doing? 

Fake people. Do you think they build these masks to last forever or is it just some survival thing? At first they look pretty good, decent and well done and then you notice the cracks, the faulty lining, the cheap ceramics. It must be annoying trying to keep it all together. 

I hate kissing scenes in movies when I feel like this. Dumb. 

That was my third movie... I should probably end the madness and just got to sleep. Yeah... I think sleeping is a good idea.

Crap, my ear.