Micah Paul Keith Jr.

This morning, I slept in (as usual). I had a thought last night that I should call my family - I was planning to do it right when I woke up, but my mother beat me to it. 

I was dreaming as my phone went off. 

Answering the phone, I was groggy and tired - ready to talk with my mother about the latest of what was going on in my life with work or the boy I liked or how she was getting ready for school to start or dad's latest project. 

But then I heard the tone in my mom's voice and instantly sat up. "The baby died" drummed through my ears as she repeated the story that was told to her this morning. I swear she kept saying "the baby died" and "call David," I'm surprised I even got the story at all.

My sister-in-law Sarah was due in September - we were all excited. Just another month and there would be another little nephew in my family. I wanted to go out for the blessing and take pictures.

Yesterday Sarah noticed the baby wasn't kicking, it stopped moving. She called David, panicked. They all met at the hospital where it was confirmed this morning that the baby had no heart beat. A 'Fetal Demise' as David puts it. 

Usually when I hear about a death, I don't feel anything - nothing. And I'll confess at first that I didn't. It felt almost like an unfortunate dream and that I was just going to go back to sleep and wake up with everything back to normal. My family would be just fine. I would be having a new nephew soon.

Then I called Micah. 

Instantly upon hearing his voice it came crashing down on me. I felt all the sadness running through my family this morning gush out through the phone and onto the floor, up through my veins, drowning me as we spoke. 

They were going to do a name and a blessing. After that they would start to heal. The Spirit was there with them, he told me. I think I felt it too - at least I felt a small glint of peace... I kept thinking 'at least they know they'll see that baby boy and be able to meet him someday. At least they're sealed' - then I thought 'Do I believe that?'

He kept telling me thank you for calling and that he loved me so much. 
I kept pacing the floor. 

I felt helpless as all I could do was reciprocate my love for him, his wife, and his children. Tell them that they were in my prayers. 

I offered to fly out, to come help, but what good would I do? 

I wanted to do anything and everything to ease the pain. The hurt in his voice was more than I could handle. I couldn't imagine how Sarah was doing. 

How can you feel such greif for a child you have never held or seen? A baby that doesn't even have a name. There was only another month and that baby would be gasping in it's first breathe of air. It would crying. It would be looking around this strange blurry world with those big blue eyes. 

A name and a blessing and then they would start to heal. 

How do you begin to heal? 

It's the ripple effect. Micah and Sarah at the point, the rest of us on the second tide. Funny how connected a family can be, especially when it comes to pain. 

I hung up the phone. Fell to my knees. And cried.