I'm turning twenty. My name is Macy and I'm turning twenty. It almost seems like that is all I know lately. And that seems significant.
Sometimes I think I should be a lot older than I am... other times, younger. I haven't done much within twenty years and that frustrates me. I was supposed to be ruling the world... or at least seeing it by now. Instead I have felt like a failure. Frustrated at how many times the opportunity has come up and how many times I have either not had the resources to do so or have been too scared to try.

I guess what I am trying to say is, I'm disappointed in myself. Disappointed in my life.

Maybe it's just because my eyes have always looked past the horizon, or maybe it's because I'm too romanticized and caught up in my own imaginations to really be satisfied... There is a lot to my life that is kinda awesome... I mean, I could probably write a movie script and make millions with only a tad bit of embellishment and be fine... ish. But really... I wish I was doing more.

I say that, and then my mind tells me 'you can't'. I get so angry at the world, my life, my circumstances. I want to blame my parents for engraining in me that phrase, reminding me of practicalities and real life. Why couldn't those adults in my life encourage me to find a way? No, instead I was always told I was too poor and too young and now I can't get rid of it.

Ha. I'm crying.

Some birthday.