For I Am Love;;

     I tried to focus on the words. My eyes blurred. From tiredness or the nearness of tears, how could anyone be sure? I closed the book and held it in my hands. "I'm sorry, I just can't tonight." I whispered. I got up, walked across the room and turned off the light. With the lights off I felt better. As if the unseen could be closer to me with reality blurred by the dark lines and shadows. I knelt down by my bed and uttered some words... "Can I just talk to you? I just need a friend." I sat down, my back against the bed, my eyes staring at the masses of clothing and books and things. I was silent...

   "I'm so messy... that's okay, right?" Get to the point Macy, it's not like He doesn't know why you're sitting here. "So.. I'm just going to talk, can you listen? Of course you can..." Usually when I was sitting here like this, words would just tumble from my mouth and I would just talk myself into a frenzy, but for some reason, I wanted to choose my words carefully to be sure it's what I really meant... To find out what I really meant. "I know you can see in my heart... you know me better than I even know myself. You know what I feel." I put my hand over my heart to see if the stabbing pain could be felt somehow differently on the outside... maybe it'd be warm or cold, numb or rough. Maybe I could feel the indentations of the spears... Ha. I told him what was on my mind. I laughed as I asked, "Is it stupid to come to you about boy troubles?" I told him about everything... leaving nothing, absolutely nothing untouched. I talked about my mother, I talked about my fears, I talked about how I just wanted to be left alone so that I could never hurt another person. I told him about my anger, my jealousy, my worries, the past that haunted me. I told him everything. The pain just grew in my chest. As if the blades were twisting. This was my guilt. My sorrow. All concentrated in one spot.

   "Dear heavens, I just want it all to stop. I don't want to hurt anyone any more. I just want things to be okay. I want to heal. I want to forget everything. For everyone to forget me." No you don't. You want steadiness, you want direction, you want something better and that's okay. "Can you please make the pain go away? Please, just be here with me tonight. Just be here." I hardly even whispered. I didn't feel arms around me or warmth of someone next me. My heart stopped hurting. Peace took it's place, it was a feeling I can't explain... Subtle and if I had not been quiet, or my mind was moving, I would not have felt Him there with me. 

   Lyrics to some of my favorite hymns came to my mind... but through it all, I heard the lyrics of 'Deathbed' by Relient K... how funny.

"From there it's your typical spiel, yeah if life was a highway I was drunk at the wheel... You cried wolf the tears they soaked your fur the blood dripped from your fangs. You said, "What have I done?" You loved that lamb with every sinful bone and there you wept alone your heart was so contrite; you said, "Jesus, please forgive me of my crimes sanctify this withered heart of mine, stay with me until my life is through and on that day please take me home with you... I am the way, follow me and take my hand; And I am truth, embrace me and you'll understand and I am the Life and for me you'll live again for I am Love, I am Love, I, I am Love" 

   As my mind slowed, I sat in silence. Go to bed. I got into bed and wrapped the blankets as tight as I could around myself, I had realized I was cold. My mind started to move faster... faster... faster. "I just want to sleep... Please, just let me sleep tonight." Then, slowly... Slower and slower until I slept.