Belief vs Action

So here I am. Feeling like an idiot. Why? Because I kinda like this kid, right? I have liked him since seventh grade and he's adorable and silly and I just... really like him. He's someone I only dream about being with, that kind of guy that I consider out of my league. Well, here it is, I don't get him. He is so different from what I am used to, I question whether or not he really does like me. (Funny, I had this same situation with my missionary). It's just.. a frustrating thing. For example, I went down to see him two weeks ago. We had a great time together and I come home and... hear nothing from him. For two weeks. I had decided that I am not going to push it so I just waited for him to get to me... and nothing. Sent him a text yesterday got only one reply from him. What am I supposed to interpret that as? I don't understand? Should I just remain at a distance? Is he just waiting for me to say something? I don't know! I feel like I pushed it, and I don't want to push it. I don't want to be that forward girl anymore because then I end up feeling exactly like this! It's driving me crazy and making me angry and that isn't how I should feel. I want to say something but that's being too serious. I don't want a serious relationship but I do want a friend. He origionally told me he doesn't kiss and run. I feel like that is exactly what he did. What am I supposed to do? Just forget about it? I want to open up to him and trust him... but how can I do that when I am feeling like I'd overstep the boundries? I don't even know what those are!

Okay, now to the real topic of this mornings rant... Kissing.

How fun right? I just need to lay these thoughts down in writing. Just to get it straight. Then you will see how truly contradictory I am. It's what I believe vs actions.

I believe that a kiss means "Hey, I really like you and now it's just going to be me and you." It's a commitment. It should symbolize the trust and attraction you have in this person. A kiss means exclusive.

Now... Sometimes my actions don't say this. I will confess that sometimes I kiss for the comfort of kissing. That psuedo feeling of connection is an adrenaline rush, it's a bandaide to the mix of emotions swirling around inside me.

In all honesty I have been so unfair with myself. I believe the first and act on the second which causes me a lot of hurt. I am a very emotionally driven person, what happens is something like this: (We're going to take the previous story that I whined about earlier and explain in further detail my feelings about it. What fun.)

I kiss boy. Boy kisses back. The night is grand. I end up twitterpated. I go insane with wanting to be near said boy. I notice said boy is popular with girls. I get jealous and want to be possesive but can't because there was no commitment established. Said boy is happy and unaware of negativity building. I am hurt but can't say a word because that would involve diving into my emotions that said boy would probably be weirded out by.

The end.

So you see, I really just don't like myself right now. I'm basically committing sanity suicide.